Borderline Personality Disorder - Not a forsaken issue anymore!

In the past few years, borderline personality disorder has emerged as the "hot" mental illness. It's undoubtedly relevant now that Amber Heard has the condition, according to Johnny Depp's hired therapist (based on speculation and rather sloppy).

Hi, my name is Divya, and my daughter's name is Aarushi. I call her Aaru. She also had BPD. This is our tale. 

The condition is primarily misunderstood.

Like others, we had a happy family until she left home for higher studies. I was shattered as she was my everything. When we met last, she was in a haze of alcohol, impulse, and debauchery.

Initially, things were great in her college. She was amusing, quirky, and adorable. She had a childhood passion for music. Soon she started having emotional issues with her chosen profession and friends. She began to argue.

Four months in, I had my hands complete.

She dropped a bombshell on me at dinner. She said, "I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year ago." Then she said she hadn't been taking any medications for a year. I convinced her to see a doctor. Surprisingly, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (a second doctor later confirmed this diagnosis).

I'd never heard of the illness. I was shocked when I looked at the symptoms. They perfectly described what was happening. Aaru's case was severe (and not indicative of all cases). Starting therapy was something I instinctually felt was right at the time.

Fear of abandonment

We had terrible fights, worse than I've ever had with anyone. I would get so confused by her sudden hostility. It went from zero to 100 and never felt justified. At her worst, she displayed this odd version of "switching." She'd shout, "I hate you! Get out!" Then, as I stood up to get my things, she'd pivot and say, "N-n-n-no, don't leave, please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Emotional instability is a signature symptom. But it doesn't mean instability in the traditional sense. Instability usually means that patients are walloped by their emotions. When things were good with Aaru, things were great, as good as any relationship could be. Our time together was flowery and full of joy. She was angelic. She made me feel like the most loved mother in the world.

However, this threat of explosion always lurked. Therapy revealed this reactiveness is often because of avoidance strategies. She would look for ways around any negative emotion. Treatment involves getting patients to feel and experience emotions rather than letting them bottle up and explode.

Black and white thinking

Friends are often the best person in the world or a backstabbing soulless traitor.

Aaru got obsessed with some new friends. She'd always talk about them like they were reunited, twins. It got to the point where I had to ask her to stop talking about them so much. Then, something would happen. That friend would be cut out completely, or she'd stop talking to Aaru. Aaru often conjured up conspiracy theories about people not liking her. She said these friends were talking wrong about her behind her back or making plans and deliberately cutting her out of them. I felt like I was always working to bring her back down to Earth.

Deep insecurity and self-esteem issues

We'd be sitting in a living room on a peaceful afternoon, and she'd start asking, "Why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You are being so weird."

"No, I'm reading a book."

Five minutes later.

"Stop acting so weird. What's wrong."

Literally, nothing was wrong. She'd poke me for an hour like this until I'd flip out.

The sad irony is that her fear of abandonment was the very thing that pushed everyone away.

If a person asks you if you love them like a broken record, you'll eventually be forced to ask yourself the same question.

The cause of the disorder

It's not a condition I'd wish on anyone. Treatment is highly challenging and requires a team of professionals. The causes are often abuse, neglect (in childhood especially), and other genetic factors. She was drawn to chaos and more trauma. She was always in search of something that could never be found.

Breakups tend to be monstrously chaotic.

The fear of abandonment, combined with impulsiveness, anger, and neuroticism (vulnerability to negative emotions), makes breakups the stuff of nightmares. Breaking up with someone is a form of rejection. It's you telling a person you don't want them. This touches the nuclear core of someone with BPD. They'll react aggressively or pleadingly to fix things. Sometimes both. There is also an untapped resentment that builds up. Borderline patients are often extreme people pleasers.

When things are good, they'll do everything they can to make you feel like the most loved boyfriend in the world. Sometimes, they'll change who they are for you (even if that is the opposite of what you want). And when things don't work out, they'll unleash this massive tsunami of resentment that was waiting like a volcano. Aaru had this mindset that she was unwanted because of her breakup. Her anger towards me, and her friends, was a defensive mechanism to protect herself from being hurt again. She went through absolute hell in her relationships.

Lastly, people with BPD face a vast stigma.

BPD is becoming the flag illness of "the crazy girlfriend/wife/ daughter," which isn't fair because the disease also affects men but manifests differently.

The stigma is partial because you only hear about outlier cases — like the one I just shared. Many people with borderline live good, fruitful lives. However, they have to put tremendous work into themselves and get better. Sadly, Aaru's life hasn't gone well. She's fallen into substance abuse and has struggled to continue studying. It magnified her symptoms (the volatility), and she refused to do therapy or take her medications, which was the final straw.

Her Therapist Recommended Reading this Poem — & it healed her esteem to some extent.

I received an email with a poem from her called, How I Became a Warrior by Jeff Foster. This poem transfixed her. It made her tear up and reconstruct her self-esteem. She probably felt vulnerable with the word warrior women". Here's the poem.

how I became a warrior

Once, I ran from fear, so fear controlled me.

Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.

Listen to it, but not give in.

Honor it, but not worship it.

Fear could not stop me anymore.

I walked with courage into the storm.

I still have fear,

but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.

I invited shame into my heart.

I let it burn.

It told me, "I am only trying

to protect your vulnerability."

I thanked shame dearly

and stepped into life anyway,

unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness

buried deep inside.

I invited it to come out and play.

I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.

And I found joy right there.

Right at the core of my sorrow.

It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.

A mind that wouldn't stop.

Thoughts that wouldn't be silent.

So I stopped trying to silence them.

And I dropped out of the mind,

and into the Earth.

Into the mud.

Where I was held strong

like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.

I called anger into the light of myself.

I felt its shocking power.

I let my heart pound and my blood boil.

Listened to it, finally.

And it screamed, "Respect yourself fiercely now!".

"Speak your truth with passion!".

"Say no when you mean no!".

"Walk your path with courage!".

"Let no one speak for you!"

Anger became an honest friend.

A truthful guide.

A beautiful wild child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.

I tried to distract and numb myself.

Ran to people and places and things.

Even pretended I was "happy."

But soon, I could not run anymore.

And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.

And I died and was reborn

into an exquisite solitude and stillness.

That connected me to all things.

So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.

My heart is One with all other hearts.

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.

Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,

and they all have a home in me,

and they all belong and have dignity.

I am sensitive, soft, fragile,

my arms wrapped around all my inner children.

And in my sensitivity, power.

In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,

in what I had named "darkness"

I found a blazing Light

that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior

when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

~ poem, written by Jeff Foster

You have been reading me, but now you will get to know me!

 I know this is too late to post an introductory post of mine. Posting a view of my life, and the people behind my writings, after 14 appreciated blogs, might look silly, but still, I feel I should share how I started. Going back to my rustic root, let me take you to my childhood.

Growth/ Values/ Upbringing/ Principles all we get from our family. So, growing up in a joint family of 11 members, which had excellent ethics, was a blessing. I got my superhero in childhood only. My father, who is an advocate by profession, was a responsible and broad-minded man. A guy who helped his wife at every stage, helped her complete her education and get a dignified job, never got jealous of her success, appreciated her achievements, and trusted more than she did to herself, wow!! That was the first image I noticed about a man when I got my senses. I wondered, how could someone manage his studies, manage to top and get scholarships, manages his job, take care of family, and still chose to be calm and motivate his wife to study more and more, or rather, I say, boost her to achieve what she wanted.

If this is how men are, I should have born as a man, I wondered always! 

On the other hand, I saw my mom, who is a teacher and an advocate, was just perfect; a lady who scored well in academics but never was a book worm. While turning the old albums, I got introduced to so many qualities that she had! Pointing a picture, mom told me she was an NCC cadet, pointing to the another, she explained the outfit she was wearing, it was a Punjabi look for performance on the theme Incredible India. I was so shocked to see the same person who is good at sports, painting, dancing, singing (in a picture, she was presenting QAWALI with her group). Aha! It doesn’t end here only; cooking delicious food was one of the other qualities. Being helpful to everyone, having lots of patience and calmness are the qualities everyone likes about her. Managing office and home well, she was she, my first ideal, I wanted to be like!

So, I always knew I was the one lucky child who had a great family. Till 10th boards, life was fun. In a small village in Bihar, I was so happy in my world. Exploring the facilities I had and giving my best were giving spices to life. It even became better when I scored 95% on 10th boards; well, it was a good number. But that is where the trouble started, got admission to science, and loving arts was terrible. A girl who is an art student psychologically, but pursuing higher studies in science, got stuck between decisions and regrets. Unfortunately, I could not score more than 74% in high school and could not also clear any competitive exams I had been preparing for 2 years. 

 I got admission to the pharmacy, after the very first year, I realized I never wanted to study this or continue with such a stream which focuses on healthcare. I thought I could be anything, a management student/ air hostess/ journalist but not a pharmacist. I could have explored arts/crafts/designing/blogging but not science experiments. 

So when I came to GLA University, Mathura, I was not sure, and still, I had to continue to a course called “B.Pharm.” Many times, I thought to back out and do something I wished to do. But that is not easy, especially, if you belong to a middle-class family. Wasting a whole year was something I could not afford anyway. Moreover, I knew if I have to stay in Mathura, I have to continue in pharmacy only. So, I moved on. 

The motive of joining GLA University was “overall development.” Keeping it in mind, I explored everything I could. I became part of Literario, the literature club, Poetry club, The Saturangle, debate club, Prism, the newspaper of university, GLAD time, the magazine of the university, Athletics, and many more! 

It’s been four years now; I am 2020 pass out pharmacy graduate who is pursuing M.Pharm from GLA University again. But this time, I am sure and confident about what I am pursuing and enjoying the field I chose for the first time. 

The change was bought by my family, university, my department, faculties, friends, coaches, wardens, and who supported me or loved me during that period. I never knew I would be recognized, promoted, supported, and helped this much. 

When I started blogging, I was not much confident, but these lovely people supported me like a family. From childhood friends, coaching friends, college friends, and even strangers helped me to write better and appreciated my content. 

Thank you so much, everyone. My writing may not be able to show my gratitude towards your readers, but trust me, I feel so lucky to have such a lovely circle around. Wherever I went, I was loved; whatever I did, I was guided. 

Sakshimishrablogs.blogspot wouldn’t exist without you. It’s your visits to this webpage that keeps me writing more and more.

Every time, I get a comment at the end of a post, it’s like getting a little gift. I love hearing from you, having your pieces of advice and opinions. Never hesitate to reach out to me.

So, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You!

 

Feminism in India

India has been witnessing feminism movements since the early days. The ban of the Sati system, child marriage, and various political issues like the Involvement of Women in the Quit India movement are some of the examples. The 1917 movement by Sarojini Naidu, for the right to vote to drive the constitution of a committee consisting of 14 women across India was a big milestone in Indian feminism history. From Savitribai Phule to Ishmat Chugtai, outspoken feminists have been living in India for decades. 

If we go back to the ages of Vedas, Draupadi remodeled the notion of monogamy and sati; Sita of motherhood and power; Kali of violence; Puru’s young wife of sexuality; and the bhakta women of marriage and prayers.

The fact that India is one of the 36 countries of the world, where marital rape is legal unless the girl is minor boldly displays how women are oppressed openly in our patriarchal society. Inequality based on gender differences resulted in the difference in female literacy rates being lower at 65.46% than males at 82.14%. Well, it does not end here only. Every day newspapers are filled with the death and suicide of women and also with the death of female foeticide. Women are subjected to acid attack, child marriage, domestic violence, honor killings, abortion, sexual harassment, rape, trafficking is indicative of why India is declared as the most unsafe country for women by Thomson Reuter’s Foundation. In a developing country like India, only 14.5% of women are in Parliament and the maternal mortality being 174/10,000 is not given much attention. The gender pay gap is thought to be normal, we find it everywhere, and we feel this is how it should be.

This indiscrimination particularly alarms women across the country to raise their voices. When women stood strong against these, it was called feminism. It is an act of gaining equivalent opportunities and rights for women over the country. The participation of women in social and political life, their upliftment and empowerment along with dissolving heterogeneity of the society and identification of rights, which have been ignored for a long, was considered as the basic agenda.

Feminism aims at breaking the strong stereotyping in the capabilities and responsibilities of men and women, males are thought of to be more productive and therefore are more educated. Moreover, it is associated with self- reflection, understanding of values, and realization of self-worth. Exploring the roles, and abounding some of the stereotypes, many bring an intellectual trip for women across the country. The #MeToo movement in India, empowered many women, both from India and outside, to expose the men who sexually exploited, harassed, or assaulted other women.

A woman who is distressed by methodical social abuse because of their sex or caste, which is not granted to act willingly, who has been facing oppression while immigrating in jobs or businesses should be subjected to social, moral, economical, cultural, marital as well as individual consciousness for the awareness of their power and identity.

REMEMBER: FEMINISM IS NOT AN ANTI-MEN MOVEMENT

A man’s insecurities and women’s low confidence always causes loss to society.

It might seem fierce, but I am going to dedicate this blog to several patriarchy rules, I have been questioning for long.

Why most of the men are insecure?

Around a couple of years ago, one of my friends told me she fell for her fellow mate, who was just like any other middle-class guy with a vision. That story was different because of their status difference. Middle-class men and rich girl- seems perfect fiction of a novel. Right? She approached, and eventually, it turned out to be a beautiful relationship. They started meeting and, spending a good time together. Both of them were batch toppers, and probably this is why that was the only couple everybody adored. After the end of the session, the girl told him that she would be going abroad for further studies, but this would not affect their bond. “I would love to continue what we had. We will tie a knot after I get a good job.” She added.

They tried managing everything well, but after some time, they end up separating. Do you know for what reason? After studies, she got a much-paid job almost triple to her man’s salary. He ended up the relationship by saying; she was habitual of living a luxurious life which he cannot afford. You are too high-maintenance for me, you are out of my reach, he sighed. And it was his fault for being so insecure and standoffish around a smart, talented, and loyal woman who could’ve made a fantastic life partner for him. His loss!

So that is the problem. A man is predicted to pay a girl’s bill or ditch her. They are expected to be more educated than his partner. Why can’t she simply contribute half of the amount? Why can’t she be more talented than him? Do you know how this expectation is damaging their mental stability, making them brutal? This is what makes them insecure.

We live in a society where men are expected to be intelligent, strong, earn well, and pay his girl’s shopping and restaurant bills. He is expected to be a superman who rescues people in problem, who should take leads and should never cry. Also, the one who completes the entire outdoor duties and should single out the majority of decisions. But what if a man moves out of the box? What if he is funny, not mature? What if he wants to learn Kathak, not boxing, and what if he is fond of cooking? He is often mocked and given shameful names.

Readers, you can tell me if I am putting the wrong questions.

Imagine a guy who loves helping his mother in household chores, who cries after getting hurt, who is not much strong physically, and sometimes relies on his girl to declare decisions. But will we accept him equally like a tall, muscular, decisive, protective man? Maybe not! That is because we have bordered the features for a man, in which he doesn’t fit well. He needs to change. Really! No, Not at all.

Why do women choose a jerk over a decent man?

Once I met a guy, who was rude, abusive, and uncivilized. I didn't like him at all, but unfortunately, there was no other vacant seat on the bus. Within half an hour he started abusing people loudly. When I asked him to behave he settled for a while. We had some conversation later. At the end of the journey, he was successful in convincing me that he was not bad at all. I may behave weird, but I am open, I may speak badly but I speak the truth. I don't cheat people with a mask, he added. 

When I reached home, I felt yes, he was right. People with soft tones and clean-faced often turn out to be cunning. At least he was not like them, he was straightforward and that is normal, he is a good guy. 

I shared this incident with my friend and what she replied was awaking. She told me that she dated him for this cause only. She liked his sassy, outspoken nature. She was convinced for the same reason for his beautiful heart and rude mouth. But later she came to know that he was a parasite who was feeding on her self-doubt. He made her understand that no smart guy can ever love her and she was not beautiful enough to date a civilized man. He interrupted all her contacts and made her realize she doesn't deserve better.

Many of us noticed man saying than women settle for jerks. Why do men sometimes curse women for not paying heed to so-called “perfect or decent man” Did you ever imagine why this happens?

Why a woman commits the one who insults her and shows himself smarter? She lives with the one who talks about her profession about which he barely knows. She allows man to overpower her and need him for her protection. We often see women working double and still craving for his attention and appreciation, sometimes sacrifices a lot, only to make him happy.

Let me tell you why; because she is not confident of herself. She feels this is the best man she deserved. She feels her opinion doesn’t matter much, and why would a good guy marry her? Take any attractive, sophisticated woman. You don’t see it, but she heads out judgment every single day. She deals with a hundred little paper cuts to her self-esteem and sense of intrinsic worth. Her character becomes the talk of the town.  She is often judged for her short skirt and traits. She is always prepared for being second, eat at last, and please her partner. This is where she fails! 

Probably she needs to wear extra layers of confidence, she needs to stop believing herself a victim. She should disagree if she feels so. Don’t we need to break this patriarchy system of our society which helps these jerks to rule over talented women than them?

Why can’t she pay the electricity bill and he cooks for her? Oh man, why do you need to be best at everything?, Can we respect a girl’s intelligence and education more than her looks?, Can’t we balance this equation of men and women? Can we break this stereotype? Are we the generation of change? Can we accept men, women, and eunuch just as humans? When will we break these stereotypes?

There are thousands of questions like this. Readers, if you have the answers, please let me know.

Pause the Moment- I am in Shimla, The Queen of Hills

Although I am not a travel blogger, but I believe that each one of us has a longing to travel someday. So I just thought about giving you a glimpse from one of my trips to the mountains of Shimla, Queen of Hills.

A year ago, after the completion of my internship, the idea of visiting Shimla was born. At that time I didn’t know someday, I will be writing about this trip. I had many trips, but this was completely special. 

Before I sat to write the journey, I thought it would be complete within an hour or two. No bro, I was wrong. When I started writing, I started getting lost in memory lane.

What a beautiful place it was! I still remember what I saw. With each passing second, it was getting difficult to pen down the beauty of hills, cold winds, tiredness of trekking, and much more. 

Okay, okay! Let’s start now.

That was an unexpected trip. I woke up late, changed, and went to the bus stop. Shit! I had missed all the buses going for Shimla. I was sad inside and about to return home when I saw a running Bus with the hoarding of Shimla. I ran fast and caught the bus. Oh! I took a long breath and fixed myself. 

The trip was a great travel ride, all thanks to the weather which was really pleasant with winters just seeping in.

  

The Ridge, the Mall road of Shimla is the heart of the city.

   

 

   

 

It is one of the active commercial areas of this place. Automobiles were not allowed and hence we had to walk. 

The Ridge is a wide-open street located on the side of Shimla Mall Road. The Ridge has everything, from shops selling some exclusive monuments to the spectacular view of the snow-capped mountain. It is famous for a lot of things, but best known for shopping.

The traditional outfit of Himachal Pradesh

          

   

Long kurtas stretching from neck to their toe is the traditional outfit of Himachal Pradesh. Sometimes Ghaghris, Salwar-Kameez, Cholis, and a lot of bangles are included.

There are many ornaments and jewelry that are worn by women: Chakk (silver domed and worn on the top of head), Chanderhar (necklace or pendant worn in weddings), Chiri (similar to maangtika), Toke (wristbands), Pari (foot necklace), Jhumka (earrings), etc.

These dresses are available on rent, for photography. You can wear them like I did.

 Watching the sunset at Scandal Point

    

The flat platform on the Ridge road becomes a point of activity in the evenings as people gather to visit the Scandal Point. It offers a divine view of the magnificent sunrise and sunset. 

Shimla has a lot of stories to tell, some legends and more heritage, but all equally exciting. Begins at the appropriately named ‘Scandal Point’ where legend has it that the Maharajah of Patiala was exiled from Shimla after an intense argument with the Viceroy (some stories say he ran away with the Viceroy’s daughter) and was eventually exiled from Shimla –giving this spot its name in 1892. 

Run to Lakkar Bazaar for wooden gifts

    

       

It took my heart at the very first sight. A stroll through the Lakkar Bazaar or the Tibetan market has gifts at bargain prices. The nearby Gaiety theatre is also a rich cultural heritage and worth a visit. I bought the key-rings and a memento. 

Trekking to the top of Jakhoo Temple is the best activity you can do in Shimla

            

        

  

         

Jakhoo Temple is located at a height of around 2,455 m above sea level. Trekking is a popular activity for tourists to reach the top. It takes around 1.5 to 2 hours to get to the peak. Though the activity is easy during other seasons, it can get a bit tiring during summer. It has Lord Hanuman’s footprints engraved on marble, paintings, and statues of Lord Hanuman and Lord Ram. The pious chants (or Bhajans) and the ringing of bells fill up the entire complex.

The grand Viceregal Lodge, also called Indian Institute of Advanced Study

    

The Majestic Viceregal Lodge also called Rashtrapati Niwas is like a mini-museum of British colonial rule and houses a collection of ancient antiques and photographs from that period. 

It is the most historically significant and architectural impressive building of the region that makes for a pleasant half-day outing. The Viceregal Lodge was the summer residence of the Indian Viceroy, the British Raj leader who governed the whole of the Indian subcontinent between 1888 until 1946. Within the Viceroy Lodge many significant decisions from this era about India was devised, discussed, and agreed upon.

For visitors the Viceregal Lodge is an elaborate Mock-Tudor stately home that is surrounded by immaculately maintained gardens. Only a few of the staterooms can be visited as part of a brief tour as the building has been transformed into an advanced university complex. Viceregal Lodge is located 2 km west of Shimla on the summit of Observatory Hill, which provides wonderful panoramic views over the region.

Snow: Capture Memories and enjoy

        

Playing in the snow, rolling, dancing, and clicking pictures is another best thing to do for creating your own album of ‘Shimla in winter photos’. Making ice-balls and throwing it on friends is something that I will hold forever.

Shimla apart from being an ideal despite skin burning summers is a perfect place for enjoying the peaceful environment and vaporous beauty donated by Mother Nature. People love visiting Shimla for refreshing their hearts and minds and enhancing their innate skills.

For a normal person, Shimla is truly nature's delighting wonderland and one can enjoy in the world of immortal beauty and cooling environments.

Unlike usual trips, I was not burnt at the end. I was fresh, mesmerized by the view, trying to stay there more. It was worth it. It’s been astonishing going there.

Every travel tale has a different story. So I welcome you all to share yours in the comment section.

AND FINALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BEING A PATIENT READER!

Happy travels!