Part 1: Pre-marriage anxiety
My marriage was a super shock for me. A rollercoaster of emotions that people would never believe in!
As a girl who hates responsibilities, cannot stay at home for long, doesn't really like cooking, and wakes up late and messes up the room, I was sure my marriage wouldn't last long. I have always been outspoken and straightforward, which doesn't go well in a joint family. Moreover, I knew that the feminist in me couldn't adjust to a patriarchial environment no matter how hard I try!
I'd always thought that being single for life would be the best for me because I didn't want any disturbance in my lifestyle or affect my freedom. I wasn't ready for the marriage and couldn't be prepared. I wasn't willing to leave my comfort zone, restrict myself, or compromise my career. Moreover, I have always been a giving person in my relationships, but some failed relations broke me terribly. Being a self-centered person who could never compromise, I knew I would get stuck and end up choking myself in turmoil called responsibility.
Well, not everything goes as per plan. Let me tell you how it went.
It was a lockdown, and we had to vacate the hostel. I was happy inside as I got non-vegetarian food at home, which I usually don't get in the hostel. I booked the tickets and went home happily. There was a different feeling this time. One of my friends texted me, "it seems like you are going forever; I feel you won't return to the hostel," and I kept thinking about his text. I reached there on 19th January, and by 24th January I was informed that I am getting married on 11th of next month. Literally after 15 days!!
Everyone was excited, and I had no option of backing off. I knew nothing about that man I was about to marry. I didn't even know his name correctly. I sometimes felt anxious, and it took me multiple days to console myself.
07-02-22. It was tilak day, and the wedding functions formally started. I could already feel changes in me, emotional, behavioral, and whatnot! It wasn't easy.
11-02-22. I hadn't slept for 4 consecutive days and hadn't eaten properly for long. I was nervous. It was a bunch of emotions I was feeling at the same time. In the evening, at 10 o'clock, when I walked down the aisle, I saw him for the first time. I was literally shivering when he asked for my hand while walking through the stairs (he was nervous too). Our very first eye contact happened on the stage itself. I saw him smiling, though I knew he had the same confusion and questions as mine.
I was looking at things with a constant thought that this was not what I wanted and not how I wanted, and he was not the one I wanted. I tried to run away but I couldn't! With every ritual, I felt like drowning and coming out, again and again, struggling for every breath. At a point, I got numb, it just went with the flow, and I couldn't do anything for myself.
So finally, the functions were completed, and we married (I slept in between the rituals). I had to go to his home and accept everything I was about to have. Damn! It was difficult. I felt like living my most haunted dream. I wanted to come out of it and breathe deeply. Anyway, I had to face everything with darkness all around. I saw everyone clapping and enjoying while I was shouting silently, and helplessly.
Well, generally, this type of thing ends up being a nightmare, but in my case, this was the beginning of a journey that ultimately came out to be very beautiful.
Part 2: Post-marriage changes
I entered this relationship most chaotically, with 100s of questions and 1000s of confusion. The very first hour at his home felt like sitting in a room full of people with a blank stare and not a single thought in head but hearing everything going on around and being too exhausted to respond to any of it or climb the staircase with no end or hating skin for no reason or what not!
After a few helpless stares, I asked him if he wanted to marry or if he was pressured. As he said he wasn't prepared too, I was relieved. I then had a series of questions, and the one doubt both of us constantly had was, can we make it to the end, or we will get separated soon? Well, after a week, we got our answers.
On the 10th day, I had to return to my hostel to complete my study. I thought I would be delighted to return to my everyday life, but that was not the case. This stranger, who happens to be my husband, made so much effort that I couldn't resist giving him a chance. He is sweet; he came out to be super caring, lovable, and understanding too. We gave it a try, and it worked. I had thought my marriage would take away everything I had. But on the contrary, it gave me everything I lacked!
It wasn't easy, but we tried to sort it out and promised to continue sorting...!
I love you, always, forever!
